When Is it Enough?

I find my self this week far deeper into the rabbit hole of life’s complications that I spoke of last week. In many ways I think my thoughts of last week only foreshadowed what this week would come to be. It seems as though, for my self, I choose more often than not, the steeper mountains to climb. Much like Danali, I never seem able to choose the easy path. I choose the one where the wind blows the hardest, the cold is colder than anything you ever felt and every moment you are there at sixteen thousand you are slowly watching your life ebb away. When you choose to love and care about people who are also climbing their own personal Danali’s, you simply must accept that it’s a hard climb. One must simply sharpen the blade of one’s ice axe, check crampons again and again, coil your rope, tie in,set your aids well, and use every bit of every thing you ever learned before, if you hope to reach the summit. It can be a hard climb. One must also have faith in your belay partner and know for certain that if you fall they have you.
This week I am on belay trying to make sure some one I do care deeply for does not free fall but is stopped short and is able to again climb her mountain.
I suppose as I left the daily use of substance behind last April, I find my self the guide on this steep mountain they call addiction. I hope I am up for the challenge and that I can show them the route to the summit. I have the belay but each but each step of the climb is thier’s and not mine. I have done it and think if I can so can any one.
Keep climbing Darling: as Tom used to scream at me “find a hold and get your ass up that rock”

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Life Can Be Complicated So, “Just Say Yea”

I have realized in the last few days how complicated life can be. Not only can it get hectic beyond reason trying to do so many things in a day and picking up slack when the lead member of our team is out with a fracture, but we can also have complications with friends and co-workers. People are our life line in this world. Sometimes I have a tendency to say things when I am angry I later regret. I do try now to wait and think before speaking, however I have not mastered this concept fully yet. This week I let slip something that clearly defined the persons actions at that moment but not what I feel about them as a whole. I feel badly about this as it has forever changed that association.
I don’t always make the best choices sometimes, with my interpersonal relationships, but I do make choices and then must deal with the results be them good or bad. i suppose this is simply the way of life for us all.
As last week wore on, having found myself handling many of my employers responsibilities while he was out, I learned I am up to the task of again taking on a lead roll and excelling once again as a team leader.
This last week also brought relationship complications to my life, but also great clarity and self awareness as to what it really means to love some one and maybe what real love is. One person whom I was seeing reacted badly, for a multitude of reasons, to the fact I stated that we would never have the type of relationship she wanted. My phone was blown up with an endless series of text at all hours on a week when not only was my work load at my auto restoration job on fast forward but I was also tackling a building project during the weekend. The end result of this is I simply don’t need this stress or this person in my life.
On the other hand I realized also that real love is caring more for someone than maybe you do yourself and placing their needs at the fore front, not caring that doing so will add greater stress to my own life. It is also being able to say I love you to a woman and having no need to hear those words parroted back. It is as Jackson Browne said in ‘Just Say Yea ‘ “you think you see love coming, but of course you don’t”. This song contains another line so fitting to this relationship and it is ” I want to be the man that sees you never come to harm”. I know regarding her I feel this deeply.
Self awareness also crept in in knowing that real love for a person is accepting them, flaws, imperfections, and all.
So, it is Monday I look forward to what I hope will be a great week. Maybe Wednesday will again find me on stage playing my music for a live audience again.
I hope all have love in there lives and a great week.

A Hard Day

Today will mark the five year passing of my mother. It still seem’s so hard at times to wrap my head around the fact that I can’t pick up a phone and call her with good news or ask for advice when every thing is going wrong. Today it would be the former and not the latter that i would tell her about. Things are going well for me the book is real and it is getting done, though it’s hard. Working full time and really putting the energy into filling pages is not easy but, I am on my way and I am backed up by great people; and when I say I can’t do this, they say you already have every time you told a story to make a point when you were drunk at some bar.
Well since I am no longer doing that like I used to, it seems harder to tell the story but, I am and when asked for more detail I am going to fight through the feelings and get what I was asked for on the page.
If you read my blog or if my mom influenced your life feel free to comment here I do not edit your comments.
Just this for Mom “I hope you are proud of me today I finally am using all my gifts that I have that you gave me. I really miss you. See you in a dream soon.” I love You!